Tuesday, August 10, 2010 at 8:40pm
I tried very hard not to show my smile. I resisted the urge to jump up and down. But the moment I saw your face, I was a goner. I knew my eyes lit up and my smile widened. And the best thing about it? You smiled back.
It was years since I last saw you. It felt like we were universe apart. I know, I sound a little exaggerating, but I missed you. It’s like having a toothache; you may never realize it until you felt the pain. In this case, you were a constant toothache, but I didn’t want to take medication to make it all go away.
I knew you were just there, and that there are many circumstances that prevented the two of us to meet each other again. Sometimes I wish I was just a breath away, but fate doesn’t want us to be thrown together in a confined place. Maybe because of the fact that whenever we’re together, everything else disappears. We became too absorbed in each other to the point that the world feels like it stopped revolving. It’s like we were transported to another place where we are the only living creatures that exists. Everybody disappears, and what’s left is an array of bright and bold colors.
I would have said that the colors would be a striking pattern of black and white, but I knew you would have argued that it would be more of greens, blues and reds. We would start bantering (just like the old times), throwing senseless points into an equally pointless argument. But we would have enjoyed. I’m sure of that. Because I realized that we lived by the laughter. We breezed through hilarious moments. And every little thing would matter to us.
With that in mind, I approached you instantly, with a spring in my every step. But a small part of me whispered, ‘Enjoy the moment, because sometimes moments like these don’t often last’. But I immediately disregarded THAT voice. Because once I looked at you, I felt glad at the thought that you came for me, hoping for some reminiscing, with a short visit down to memory lane.
We immediately exchanged stories. It was amazing how one can summarize life in three to four sentences, and then immediately moving to the next topic. I was drinking in the sight of you once I gave you the chance to speak (it was often a contest between the two of us who would give up talking first). And I knew that you knew that this meeting was not an accident. That somehow the fates (or whatever the Greek Mythology names it) decided that this visit was long overdue. We talked about a lot of things. Things that I didn’t even have the time to tell others. Matters that didn’t seem important to me. Trivial information that made my life a little happier. We laughed at our experiences, we exchanged the lessons we have learned, and we swapped memories that seem to add up since the last time we saw each other.
There never exists a dead air between us. What I started, you supplied. You told me once that maybe we were separated at birth. I am both amazed and appalled at the thought that we could finish each others’ sentences, guess each others’ train of thoughts. I would have killed for a sibling like you.
But I knew it would never happen. It feels weird. I like you as a friend, I respect you as a person, but no more than that. And just like the voice who pesters my thoughts every time I became happy (too happy), I also knew that this moment wouldn’t last. That somehow, I want to put a name on what was ‘us’. I want to label it, but mere ‘friends’ was not enough. Sentences were slower, words more meaningful. I wondered if this is the last time I would see you. The years apart have been torture, though I never realized it. I guess time really flies. But what I felt for you, that never changed. Your memories, our memories together may have become a little faded, a little blurred, but it was never erased completely.
I smiled a little sadly when we broached the subject of goodbye. I do not want to leave you, but responsibilities and duties were creeping up ahead of me. I have absolutely no idea whether you feel the same – I guess I am a little numb when it comes to these things. Sometimes I misinterpret your words and your actions, but it never caused a wall between us. Even though we seem like opposites, there were facets in your personality that balances my irrational and independent side. You wholeheartedly agreed on that point.
I was a little sad when you told me you have to leave. It was as if the fates were mistaken in putting the two of us together. It seemed like our meeting was a hasty decision, based on the way that you nervously stood up and anxiously delivered a line—something about ‘other plans’. I would have liked you to stay and talk more, but you seemed eager to go. At this point, it was harder to accept that we belong in different worlds.
With a sad smile and a heavy heart, I acknowledged that you were leaving. I didn’t bother to stand up, because I knew I had to sit down again due to wobbly knees. Whoever said saying goodbye is easy? It seemed like I was living with a broken heart.
“Till we meet again.”
The moment you turned your back to me, the pain escalated, and I realized why – after all this time, I didn’t merely miss you. I loved you. I kinda liked the sound of that word. Love. Makes it a little real. And a whole lot scary. And I didn’t have the chance to let you know.
Until we meet again. When would that be? Or would we ever meet at all?
As I saw you disappear, I berated myself for being a fool – ten kinds of fool. I should have listened to that tiny voice. Maybe, instead of blabbering useless issues, I would have confessed my feelings. At least I tried. Maybe if I can turn back time, I can just do that. Maybe I wouldn’t be as pathetic and as worthless as I am now.
And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn’t have a broken heart.