Sunday, July 25, 2010 at 6:00pm
I wanted to hang on to you. But you never gave me the chance. You cut me off, even before I had time to plead my case. You didn’t listen to me, and who am I to you to insist the things I have felt? I thought you liked me. Cared for me. Because that’s what I feel for you. Problem was you didn’t feel the same way about me. I wonder if you felt something, anything. You see, I would probably accept your compassion. Sympathy. Hell, even pity. But no, you never gave yourself the chance to give me that. And, fool that I am I hang on to you, knowing fully well that I would not get anything in return.
Maybe I should start from the start. The beginning where all lines were clear and all the boundaries were set. What started as a meeting of the eyes turned out to be a meeting of the souls. I was happy for the first time. Ecstatic. Because I learned that we shared the same tastes. Shared the same passion for things. Found the same zeal for adventure. I felt free. I know that I would never be alone, and that I would have someone to go through things. Because I learned later that you would stick with me. You told me that, don’t you remember? You said, “I’ll be here whenever you need me.” But where are you now when I needed you most? Where are you now, when I needed to be protected? Promises. Just promises.
I never should have trusted you. I never should have made myself susceptible to you. Because you made me believe in things I didn’t believe in before. You made me realize that I should make the best of each day, as if we were about to die tomorrow. You made me take sure and slow steps into an unfamiliar and scary concept called future. I know I was on borrowed time. It felt like it – every moment with you seemed like a stolen one. Every encounter was like a fire cracker lit up; spontaneous, surprising, but I know it will soon end.
It’s hard and difficult to let go. You made it even harder. Because at that time, I think I’m falling for you. And I’m afraid, you don’t feel the same way for me. There are times that I think you only saw me as a friend, a confidante, but never above that. And you know what scares me more? When it comes to a point that I’ll need more than your friendship, that I’ll want more than your security and warmth, and that I’ll ask more than your opinion and advice. And the thing that I’m scared of the most? That you’ll never give it to me. That you’ll never give the chance to prove myself that we’re meant to be together.
I didn’t even want to go to that point. I wanted to spend every single moment with you, because I knew that I didn’t have much time. I know I was given a deadline, and I cannot extend it indefinitely. Oh, I wished, but it was never granted. I had trouble accepting the fact that you never even waited before the deadline. You took yourself out earlier than I expected, leaving me in a gloomy place. You left me with no explanations, no guarantees, and no answers. I thought you would come back, ‘cause I waited for you every single day, hoping against hope that you would come back to me. But you didn’t. You showed me the day, and yet you left, taking it away with you.
And so, I have nothing more to give, with nobody at my side, with no light to start on, and no future to consider. I know I should stop dreaming, because my dreams revolve around you. And me. And us. Sadly, there’s no ‘us’ anymore. Because you took it away. I just wished I know how to stop holding on to you, because I am not free yet. Until you come back and explain things, I will not let you go. For the time being, I am yours.