Sunday, May 30, 2010 at 11:26am
This parting is inevitable. It may not be seen easily, but it is written in the stars. It’s difficult to comprehend how far we’ve come, seeing that we have entirely different personalities, different wants, needs, and social circles. But it’s easy to see the reasons why you needed me in the first place. Or rather, why I needed you. Safety. Control. Stability. And a great advice. You see, you have all these, and I managed to live every single day because I knew, deep in my heart, that you’re there, never letting me go.
There’s a nagging feeling inside of me, saying that you will soon leave. And with that, I took my chances with you. I stayed with you. And, selfish that I am, I wished that you would stay with me too. That you’ll enjoy my presence as much as I do. We rushed into things headfirst, with no time for consideration, no time for procrastination, no time for doubts. It is with you that I felt carefree. I’m not disillusioning myself. I know that you’re not mine to keep. Still, what’s the harm in trying? I know that I should be contented, but I have always wanted more. I wanted you, with me.
Letting go is never easy. But what makes the truth lighter is that I knew that you’ll be in good hands. In capable hands. I may not see you physically, but you’re in my heart mentally. It’s time to test whether the adage is true: absence makes the heart go fonder.
I will miss you. This feeling is indescribable. Yes, I have let go a few things in my life. For some instances, I managed to release all my inhibitions, my worries, my insecurities — and that’s because of you. You absorbed all my problems, carrying them as if the problems are your own. You took care of me, and I did all my best to return the favor. Somebody once told me, ‘sometimes, taking a big leap isn’t really what you need. It’s the small and light steps you should start with. In that way, the setbacks wouldn’t be as hard and big as the steps you have taken.” And that’s what we did. Took baby steps one at a time. But I think I rushed you too much, to the point that you’ve reached your limit and broke down. But please, you have to understand, that I’m really sorry. The damage I have done was never intended. It was an accident. I set a bar too high, and you didn’t manage to reach it. It was way out of your league. At that time, I feel very helpless. I realized that putting you back again may be impossible. That what grew between us can never be returned to its original state, because you became broken, and I became helpless. Like a broken glass, I may be able to put you back together, whole, but the cracks and faults that you have sustained cannot be erased. Now, it is a proof that, aside from careless, I’m also a selfish person. At that time, I didn’t see you as a friend, I see you as a step to my dreams.
I’m grateful that you made it back in one piece. I never managed to face you after that incident, afraid to touch you, afraid to see you, because I knew you would throw back all what I’ve said to you in fulfilling my dreams. That you’re just a stepping stone. That I’m just using you and I can discard you as easily as a rag. But no, you welcomed me back with open arms, as if the accident never happened. There may be cracks, but you managed to hide it from me very well. It was later that I realized, I can deal with failures, regrets, frustrations and letdowns, but losing you, that I can’t deal with.
I should be ashamed. I pushed you to the top, only to let you go at the last minute. I stayed with you throughout, only to release you once I achieved my goal. You see, that’s the problem with me. I’m an achiever. I won’t rest until I get what I want. But no, I never meant to harm anyone, anything that would stand in my way. I never meant to step on others’ morale and personality. And yes, clichéd as it might sound, what goes up really goes down.
And now I have fallen. The mighty have fallen. Because now, after all the times that we spent with each other, you’ll never be mine again. I cannot own you anymore. There’s this solid wall, a barrier that was built between us. But I do not resent it. I do not resent you. Because it was not you who built that wall. Call it fate, destiny, kismet, but we were never meant for each other. You may be meant to be mine, yes, but only for the time being. When you were given to me, maybe it came with a stipulation, an addendum, that I can only have you for the time being. Not for forever.
Thank you. With all my heart. You taught me far too many things and lessons in life that books and classrooms discussions didn’t manage to enter in my thick headed skull. Yes I admit I’m stubborn, arrogant and full of pride. I do not want to admit defeat. But without you in my life, I think I will go in ruins. I am not me without you, because you shaped me in a complete individual.
I don’t know when you will be back. Hell, I don’t know if you’ll be back at all. All I can say is: I’m sorry. For pushing you too hard. For not making you rest. For tiring you. I fervently wish that you’ll be happy in your new life. You may not be here, but what’s inside you will always and forever be in my heart.
I will miss you, my only Toshi. 🙂